Thursday, February 28, 2008
I guess it wasn’t even an important date in anyone’s life….but for me….it was.
It was my brother’s engagement ceremony….perhaps the most important event that had ever occurred in my life. I was seventeen, preparing for my twelfth board exams.
But nothing excited me more than my brother’s wedding, which was due in February.
As luck would have it, I had terrible fever on the 10th.
Mom and dad said I would have to get a check up done. I persisted, but they were simply adamant. They told me, after collecting the reports from the doctor; I could arrive at Okhla, where the ceremony was to take place.
They promised me, nothing would take place without me being there.
Since they didn't give me much choice, I agreed.
As they left the house early in the morning, I decided to catch up on some sleep before visiting the doctor. Anyway, no doctor would be available at such unearthly hours, I thought.
After a sound sleep, I woke up and went to the doctor. He wasn’t my family doctor so I had to be as formal as possible with him. We didn't have a family doctor, for some unknown reason. I wished him good morning, as he told me to take a seat.
As he took out my report from one of his furnished drawers, he stopped.
He then said to me, “Listen Rohan, I want to give this report to an elder person.”
I smirked at him. After such a drive in the terrible winter, he tells me that he doesn’t want to give the report to me.
But then it puzzled me. I asked, “But why?”
The doctor said, “You’ll get to know….get an elder family member with you please.”
I tried to explain to him that everybody had left for my brother’s engagement, but that stupid doctor wouldn’t listen.
I began to think about the elders I knew, who could help me with this problem I was stuck in.
Only one name came to my mind.
He was my elder brother’s best friend. Oh my god.
I had to hurry, else he too would be off to Okhla and I wouldn’t know what to do.
I hurriedly gave him a call at his place.
Karan bhai stayed with his own brother and bhabhi. He had been with my brother in all his ups and downs of life. He was more than family to me. I had grown up just in front of him.
As I narrated the entire episode to Karan bhai over the telephone, he said he’d be there as soon as possible.
I heaved a sigh of relief. At last, I would attend the engagement.
Meanwhile, mom called me up. She was literally shrieking when I told her I was still at the doctor’s. Before I could tell her that he had refused to give me the report, she snapped at me, and told me to hurry up.
I made a face as I cut her call. Parents can be so unreasonable. As I waited for Karan bhai to come, I saw some TV in the doctor’s office.
Since it was still morning, and early morning at that, only news was being aired on the DD channels. This doctor was a bored human, I guessed; since he had no cable.
Karan bhai reached in no time, as our houses were just twenty minutes apart.
He hugged me and said, “Couldn’t you have got the check up done later? Bothering me for no reason at all. I have so much work to do at your brother’s wedding as it is.”
I whined like a baby as I complained about the doctor’s weird behaviour.
Karan bhai too greeted the doctor and said, “I’m his brother’s friend. Can I have the report please?”
The doctor was perhaps in the weirdest mood that day. He took Karan bhai to one corner, murmured something into his ear and then handed him the report.
As Karan bhai walked out of the office with me by his side, he was silent.
That’s when I guessed something was wrong…with my reports.
I asked him a hundred times, but he did not reply.
At last when I gave up, he said, “Lets go, I think we’re damn late. I hope they haven’t exchanged rings…”
This kind of made me forget everything, and we both rushed to Okhla on our bikes…for the engagement.
My mother reprimanded me again, and didn't want any reasons still, so I ignored her and enjoyed the festive mood.
My bhabhi was the most beautiful one I had ever seen…and she was equally fun to be with. I was so glad that now I would have a partner in crime at home, and mom and dad wouldn’t just be after me…after all, they were going to have a daughter-in-law to worry about.
The engagement ended on a beautiful note, as my brother hugged the life out of my bhabhi. They were such a cute couple….I wished I too would get a girl like that.
Meanwhile, I saw Karan bhai handing the reports to my brother….and I also saw my brother going pale.
This was enough. Why couldn’t people just tell me that I had some problem? I mean, what could it be…elders just get tense for no good reason. I could bet it was just some typhoid, or jaundice…or maybe in the worst scenario…chicken pox.
So? Big deal???
But I guess they knew better than me. A few days after that, my brother and Karan bhai took me to another doctor.
Karan bhai told me that it was their family doctor.
I nodded as I knew why they needed a family doctor and we didn't. Karan bhai’s brother had two lovely daughters Jiya and Parul.
Parul was around ten, and Jiya was not even eight I think. They were so cute, that categorizing them as kids and assuming that they were irritating would be unfair.
But anyway, they were kids, and needed a doctor.
Their family doctor was their very good family friend too, I discovered as she welcomed all of us with a warm smile. As I was told to wait outside, the ‘elders’ did some talking with her inside. By now I had given up on knowing about the reports…because I knew they were unnecessarily getting worried.
After some serious talk, we bade good bye to the beautiful doctor, and went to another hospital, which I guessed had been referred by the lady doctor.
I was told to give another blood test, like I’d done when I had fever. Even that day I had been wondering why they needed a blood test, but that doctor had told me they would need it to check for some viruses. I had simply nodded, as I didn't understand much.
This time I didn't ask questions. I simply gave my blood test without much speculation.
The blood test made Karan bhai and my brother literally white in the skin.
And I realized that it wasn’t actually mere typhoid or chicken pox.
It was something serious…and I wanted to know what….
I soon figured out….when I was admitted in the Cancer ward at AIIMS, Delhi.
Life after that wasn’t very good. Though I wasn’t required to study, there was a hell lot I went through.
I saw mom with watery eyes forever. And dad trying to be brave…but not being successful at all. And brother trying to be as casual as he could pretend to be. And Karan bhai being the joke cracker, which he really wasn’t.
Bone marrow replacements…chemotherapy….and I soon figured out that I was suffering from Blood Cancer…..and hey, it was a big deal….
Around two weeks later, I was getting impatient. The doctors weren’t leaving me alone even for a second. My whole body pained with those injections and treatments.
I used to often shout at them, “Just leave me alone….for god’s sake!”
But nobody wanted to listen. Everybody was bent on curing me from cancer…which I knew was incurable…and a terrible disease.
Karan bhai’s family came to meet me one day.
Parul and Jiya hopped around the place, and played the video game, the only thing I was allowed to do at the hospital.
They perhaps didn't realize the gravity of the situation….kids…
But aunty and uncle did.
As they sat by my chair, I told them “My whole body pains. And I’m bored of eating the same thing day and night…”
They nodded like they understood, even though everybody knew that they didn't….couldn’t …
Another week passed by, and it dawned upon me that I wouldn’t be fine after that…
It was cancer, and high time I realized that life had ditched me…
And I have realized.
I know I won’t be able to see my brother’s family.
I know I won’t be giving my boards.
I know that mom and dad do not cry ‘just like that’.
And so, I just want to make myself feel better.
I want to feel, one last time, that I’ve had a good life….
I want to know, one last time, that I was a good human being…
Because I’m dying….
P.S.: This account is non-fictional. It is perhaps my tribute to the only person I had ever considered as my elder brother…
Sunday, February 17, 2008
Okay, let me put it as honestly as possible…boards do screw you up completely. They take away all your illusions about how life is so nice. And believe me, I am NOT kidding…
And as I walk down the memory lane, the only feeble memory I have (I know only one year has passed…but I have a short term memory…I’m serious) of the boards is my first one. I have hated Social Studies since the time I got to know what it exactly is. It is the most irrational and weird subject I have ever come across. No, I dont want to get into arguments anddebates abou this..becaiuse I intend to say something else...
And while it’s quite surprising that I remember the thing I hated the most, SST has been a torture for me since ages…
Come on, tenthies, here’s some consolation….
-------Applauses people??? Have some goddamn decency! :D------------
Bhilai is in Madhya Pradesh or Chattisgarh.
That was the question I was pondering over for the past few minutes. The classroom felt creepy, the invigilators as if called from hell….there I was, answering my Social studies Board Exam.
It wasn’t that easy, trust me. For a person like me, who still takes time to figure out whether London is in USA or Europe, it isn’t easy.
But after long measurements, which I’d like to think fell in place…I marked Bhilai in Chattisgarh.
That…was my last answer…..my LAST look at Geography….
It was almost time, so I slowly submitted my paper and walked out….I still can't forget the smile I had on my face when I submitted my answer sheet. I bet the invigilator must have thought that I was topping the exam…ha-ha!
As I moved outside the gate of my Board Centre: Navy Children Public School, I saw numerous parents literally clinging to the gate to see their child’s expression when she walks out of the examination hall. Whatever.
As I walked out, smiling broadly, I saw a few parents heave a sigh of relief. I looked around, wondering whether they were looking at their child or me. But, they were looking at me. As I neared them, I heard one of them say, “Oh, the paper is easy I think. Look how she’s smiling…”
No…they can't be that stupid…I thought.
Alas, parents tend to be stupid.
I decided to clarify…but then I saw my sister lurking outside the gate…and fearing that she too might cling onto it, I hurriedly walked towards her. And anyway, all the parents had shifted their focus to the other students who were coming out…so I decided not to bother.
I was so glad that my parents weren’t the type that would cling to the school gate.
I mean, how does that help anyway? I bet no girl even bothers to look outside the classroom window when giving her board. I mean, for god’s sake, she’s giving an exam…and she has seen her parents’ faces for a good fifteen years. Surely boards won’t be that torturous, that she could possibly forget them. Also, I wonder if there actually is a window that faces the main gate…oh…parents…Christ!
I was thankful, that mom and dad weren’t even around the gate anywhere. I could bet they were probably having an ice-cream sitting in the car.
Well, that is kind of weird…I mean either they trusted me so much that I couldn’t possibly ever get my paper screwed up…or…they were just of the very few parents who thought their faces could make their child nervous. Trust me; both the possibilities are equally dangerous….
But really, if we do not go into that, I think it’s the parents who are far more freaked out by this six letter word than the kids are.
Phew! That was some paper.
It seriously felt like I’d conquered the world…like a battle had been won…and DUDE, it had been won forever…
What made me happy that day wasn’t that I had marked Bhilai correctly, but that I was over with this damn subject….
P.S.: All the tenthies who chance to read this, a hell lot of wishes from my side…trust me, the after-math (pun intended :D) is really worth it….
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
When was the last time you have seen an expression on a person's face that you're still trying to comprehend...but it's gone! Well, if i's not happened to you, you're lucky or perhaps one of the likeable people among your peers. For when it comes to me...i have ( and i DO know) come across such instances which make me wonder what's wrong with me...
But there it goes, i have myself stated that people are meant to be bitchy...so one shouldnt care...but hello, somewhere down the line...yeah...i care, i wanna know why these people consider me so...arrogant, selfish, proud, @#$%d up...blah!!
SO, I have a plan...uh, too much official it sounded...so i have a solution to my own problem...(see, i dont even have a person who could offer me solutions..sob :( .. )
i have decided to figure out where people dont seem to like me...but christ! i need help...
say..True/False...(man..when you come to science, true false seems like life to you..and every decision is a plan...screw science!)
Okay...dont burst out laughing...its not funny...listing down your bad qualities when for so long you were living in a rosy world where you were purrfect...
ANYWAY...here i go....
1. I'm a bit too proud ( vel, though i dont consider that wrong...but still, people might...see, if you have it, flaunt it! err...sorry...I'm listing my evils...musn't justify them...)
2. Arrogance? Sure! ( i have to say something!!! you cant put me down by this...i just love it when people call me arrogant...its a nice word, aint it??)
3. Straight forward (That should have worked for me had this been a normal world...but here people are just simply WEIRD...so it kinda screws up my life...often...)
4. Selfish (okay, i'm surely not those 'I wont give you my pencil' kinds...nor do i hide my lunchbox deep into my desk so that no human eye could ever spot it...nor do i say no to people when it comes to giving them notes...what d hell!!!)
5. Short tempered ( Alright, i can be sued for this one...i cant even count how many times i have screamed at people for no good reason just because i wasnt feeling too nice that day...Sorry guys...if any one of you had to bear the brunt of it..)
6.Expectant (Probably that too, isnt as bad an evil...but people who know me quite well could understand this one...i guess!)
Phew!! That's it!! i cant torture myself any further....
Sob *! Sob *! Sob*!
I hope i get some good...sane...human...and kind answers...
Will i??? Will i not???
Yeah, that's all that i'm gonna do today..Valentine's Day couldnt have got better...gah!!
Should i buy a rose for this * Will i..Will i not?* thingy? Uh...i think its gonna be sheer wastage...forget it...
i will anyway get to know right....
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
Awrite, without creating anymore confusion about how someone is going to kill someone else...let me put it down clear and right.
Thank you Disha...(wait, I'm coming to it!) I think it was one of the days when everyone was practicing for the farewell. You, me Saumya and Taps were playing throwball remember?? that's when you came close to the throwball court net and said something like
"Mujhe is jail se bahar nikalo..."
It was just a line people...but I swear it, this whole story weaved out of it...
Bas!!! Now you know....saw 'Awwwww....'.....
Thank You Father.....
"Get me out of here! Damn you!" I cried as my father walked away...leaving me alone in that dingy jail..where I had been for the past one month. I was getting used to the aura, the feel of this stupid place, something I never wanted.
It was the last thing...the last thing I could have expected from him..my 'father'. Yeah right...fathers aren't supposed to be criminals...criminals to such an extent that they leave their own child in jail...that...was my father...
All the fine memories that I had of my childhood consisted only of ma and me. As a kid I always heard myself say that my father had been transferred abroad as an exports manager. I wish I had known...I wish ma had known and taken me away from the man who ruined me...
I perhaps would just be comforting myself if I say ma passed away...she was killed...by the same man who claimed to be my father.
A month back, one night when my father was on 'leave' and had come to meet us, two people entered our house. My father welcomed them. It was strange that he still knew people in India as he had been in Dubai for quite some years..
Anyway my mother served them tea while I sat there, carefully watching the two. They were dirty looking men, who looked like cokeheads to me. I was still studying them when my father told me to go inside. It was the strangest thing he had ever said to me. I obeyed him with suspicion. I went into my room and began to watch some silly movie when I heard my mother's shriek. I ran towards the living room, only to see one of the men fire a bullet into my mother's head....
It was the hardest moment I have ever known...as ma fell to the ground. I slowly advanced towards her, and sat beside her on the floor,while drops of blood surrounded me...
I was still lost and staring at her, and the only thing I saw her do was point a finger at my father...
This shook me, and as I began to understand what she meant, ma breathed her last...
She was gone, and the man who killed her was standing in front of me...i ran towards my father in revenge, but the two men held me.
"You bastard, you killed my mother!!...." i shouted, as my focus shifted towards the table, where i saw a bag full of pistols...and a photograph beside it...
"Dad...you..are a terrorist? You're killing the....you maniac! the Chief Minister!!!" I uttered as I tried to break free from them.
My father hadn't uttered a word till then. He finally spoke...
"Look Maya, this isn't something that I could have chatted with you about. It's business, and this is what I am...I think you need some time alone..." he said as he held me by my arm, "Your mother shouldn't have heard our talk... dont worry, no one will come to know of this..."
His words shocked me even more than the fact that he was a terrorist.
I shook his hand off me and gave him a tight slap.
"You're telling me to keep quite about this sin that you just did?? You call yourself human? You're insane!! This is the shit you've been upto in dubai... And you will pay for it..."
I walked towards the telephone, determined. I crossed ma's body in the way. But there wasn't time for me to cry at her death.... he would have to pay for what he did....and what he had been doing all these years...
I was about to pick up the receiver when something hit me hard on the head...and I fell to the floor.
It was the toughest night of my life....
I opened my eyes and saw myself in jail...
"What the hell am I doing here? Where's my father...he's a terrorist..." I screamed as a policeman slapped me hard.
"Shut up you bitch!" he said as he pulled my hair and I screamed in pain. "A woman who can kill her mother is a terrorist...not your father..."
It took me some time to sink in what he had said while he locked me up in the cell and went away.
before I could figure out what my father had done, I saw him come towards me.
As he stood across the bars...he said, "I'm sorry child...but it's business you see...you wouldn't listen...take care...I'm going to Dubai forever. Your mother is cremated at St.Paul's. I only wish your mother hadn't heard us talk about the Chief Minister..."
"Take me out of this place...you..." I cried as I saw the monster go away....
"Hey! You bastard! Get me out...you cant do this!!!"
When I realised that he wouldnt turn back, I stopped....and for the first time in twenty-four hours I cried...at my father's betrayal, at ma's death....at myself....
This wasnt exactly the life a father wishes for a daughter....
As I put myself together and sat on the jail bench, the policeman came back and said, "Fourteen years...but had I been judge, you should have been hung..."
I smiled to him and said, "I wish you were judge....."
As he gave me a disgusted look, i poured myself a glass of water from the jug kept aside me...
A month later, he came to meet me again...saying that he was leaving...
That's when I saw him last, and the last time I said, "Get me out of here! Damn you..."
Friday, February 1, 2008
I was trying to be Superwoman (no..dont begin to visualise now...)
Actually watt lag gayi...and then the best part about this creepy, cruel and idiotic life(no, I'm not outta words, just being a bit decent...) is that person next door... yeah, the geeky alien who hasnt known life without books (not that he wishes to). When, once in a blue moon he looks out of his dingy room...all you can see is shreds of a youngster who has toiled so hard for a year that he has lost his identity...and it doesnt bother him...and as if making you feel guilty about your 'study routine' wasn't enough, he waves a hand at you. And when you suddenly start feeling that he is trying to become sane for once and wave back, he pops up THE question,
"How's your 11th going ? ? ?"
Blink !* Blink !* Blink !*
Naah, you dont want to say that to him...who seems like a butcher to you now...
Because you have heard the saying 'Put your best foot forward...'
So you do the best you could have done at that time...
"Great! .... Uhh...Good actually..."
This isnt a lie really, is it.... you just put your best foot forward...Right momma?
And then when he thinks he has sinned enough and needs to make up for it, he goes back into that cringy world...a world everyone expects you to be in..except you....
And you stand there...not even an inch inspired by that nerd....
And wait for some one else to open a window and wave a hand at you....
That's Life....( Read ' A Sciencie's Life ' )