Hunger

Navratras.
It’s a moment of sheer joy for someone like me, who hasn’t the chance of eating even one meal a day. I heard one lady say something about the Durga goddess, one of those days. It’s for her, said she. I would never know any better, so I decided to flaunt this new bit of knowledge I’d gained on one of my usual trips to the temple.
I live in Dwarka. For some people to whom god is just perpetually kind, this place is heaven. I have often stood outside the gates of those high buildings, higher than I can bend my neck, and looked at them longingly. No, I don’t want to be there, but just want to actually know what these people do in big houses. But before I can even try to figure that out, I am abused by the guard sitting there, who has no work except to shoo away people like me. I am a ten year old, and I have a family – a mother who lurks around temples in hope of getting some food to fill her belly and mine too. A father who has lost all will to live, but still manages to trudge up to his work place, where he has to set up bricks. I feel proud to announce it to all my friends, that my father has built the building right opposite to where all of us live.
Little do people know about where I live. Across the temple, there is a straight line of tiny huts, that’s where my house is.
I have a bigger family than that, if I think about it. After all, all the people out there, who get together every festival near the temple, are my family. I’m one of them. And that’s exactly how I remember that day.


Ashtami. My mother told me. I nodded blankly, as I ruffled my disheveled hair early in the morning. Still partly asleep, I heard her say about how we’ll have to hurry up and reach the temple gates if we have to receive prasad from all the people who come there.
That’s why Navratras were sheer joy. All those rich people would come to the temple, with delicious offerings, which for once would fill my belly. Poori, halva, and most importantly the coins in there, hidden between this luscious food. It was sure a treat, and with that thought in mind, I hurriedly went to the temple.

Many came there, and I lankily stood with bare hands, as they filled my hand with what they thought was their way of thanking god. I didn't believe in god. I mean, had he been there, why wouldn’t he do something about me?
I saw some uncles dressed in plain white kurtas, with a tilak on their heads. All my friends rushed towards them, as we knew they would have something to give us. They did, obviously. I ate some halva, as one of my friends snatched the rest of it from me. I didn't want to fight with him for such a thing, although that meant he had stolen my food away. I had few friends.

By the time it was noon, there was a huge rush at the temple. I stared at the people walking in and out of it. Some were so gaudily dressed as if god would give them extra if they dressed like that. All of them seemed so happy going inside, and so satisfied coming outside that they surprised me. I could not understand what made them so happy. Somewhere deep down I envied them, as I wasn’t as lucky with god as they were. I shrugged and turned away from the temple.

As I walked around, I spotted two women making their way towards us. They had a huge plate in hand, which meant they would be giving us something. A smile swept across my face, as I advanced towards them. On nearing them, I tried to study them both. They were mother and daughter. The daughter was pretty, and appealed more to me, more so because she had the plate in her hand. She seemed apprehensive, maybe it was the first time she had the plate in her hand. Her mother walked in an arrogant fashion, with a maroon bag in her hand. The daughter looked so nervous, so gullible in comparison.
As I was just a metre apart from them, and the girl was about to give me something, and I had stretched my hand in response, someone gave me hard push from behind. I almost fell aside, as a clan of boys, some of which were sadly my friends, surrounded the two.
I stood aside and watched.
They seemed completely helpless. The daughter seemed as if she would just cry out loud. All these ugly creatures around her, trying to snatch off the plate from her, the sight was just so captivating that I just stood there, numb.
My friend, who had snatched my food earlier that day, made his way through the crowd of boys. He almost shouted at all of them. I was glad I hadn’t fought with him. He was helping the girl after all.
“Don’t try to snatch!” he shrieked, “Stand properly; they’ll give it to you!!”

Wow, that’s what friends are for. I couldn’t believe that he’d done such a noble act. The girl gave him a grateful smile, as she handed the plate to her mother, so she could give away the prasad. She had a beautiful smile. I noticed she wore a simple pant and shirt, yet looked so enchantingly graceful. As she began to lift one plate from the many others in the huge plate, my friend pushed her out of the way, and cornered her mother.
I couldn’t believe it. I wish I had fought with him, bastard.
She tried to find her way through the street urchins, in an attempt to reach her mother, who was trying to save the plate from the wild attack. The girl finally gave up and stood at one side. I was still standing on the pavement and staring at her, when I heard a huge bang! BANG!
They had done what I never wanted them to do. The plate had fallen off, and all these idiotic boys completely ransacked its contents. The mother stood there, defeated, and so did the girl. When the boys were completely satisfied with what they’d done, they moved away, only to see the mess they had created. Bits and pieces of the holy prasad lay on the ground, while the rest of it was still in their dirty mouths.
I just couldn’t identify with this desperation among these boys. I was hungry, but not wild and biolent.
I felt disgusted, ashamed of belonging there. I just didn't want to call these insensitive beasts as my friends, as my family.
I glanced at the girl. It was as if the sight was just too much to stand for her. She held her disappointed mother by the hand and led her away, as the mother grumbled something at us.
I sprang to action. I wouldn't say sorry, but I just wanted to talk to her. Something…anything.

“Listen…” I called to her, as she walked away.
She turned, as she gave me a stern look. I don’t think she recognized me; I was the guy she wanted to give the prasad to. But no, she was just too upset.
“I…I didn't get the prasad.” I uttered, as she stopped and her mother walked ahead.
She looked at me sternly and said, “You won't get any prasad, if you drop it all on the road.”
She added as she walked away, “Never have I seen such wild creatures!”

I stood there, angry, betrayed. I didn't even do anything! Infact, all this while I had been thinking about her…and that’s what she tells me?
I gave a mean look to the temple, hoping god was looking. And then I walked away to my house. I didn't want to eat anymore.
No more was I hungry.
That had happened for the first time in my life—I wasn’t hungry…


P.S: I hereby apologise for my inexcusable irregularity in posting. I hope you will appreciate my comeback...

Listen....One LAST time....

10th December.
I guess it wasn’t even an important date in anyone’s life….but for me….it was.
It was my brother’s engagement ceremony….perhaps the most important event that had ever occurred in my life. I was seventeen, preparing for my twelfth board exams.
But nothing excited me more than my brother’s wedding, which was due in February.
As luck would have it, I had terrible fever on the 10th.
Mom and dad said I would have to get a check up done. I persisted, but they were simply adamant. They told me, after collecting the reports from the doctor; I could arrive at Okhla, where the ceremony was to take place.
They promised me, nothing would take place without me being there.
Since they didn't give me much choice, I agreed.

As they left the house early in the morning, I decided to catch up on some sleep before visiting the doctor. Anyway, no doctor would be available at such unearthly hours, I thought.
After a sound sleep, I woke up and went to the doctor. He wasn’t my family doctor so I had to be as formal as possible with him. We didn't have a family doctor, for some unknown reason. I wished him good morning, as he told me to take a seat.
As he took out my report from one of his furnished drawers, he stopped.

He then said to me, “Listen Rohan, I want to give this report to an elder person.”

I smirked at him. After such a drive in the terrible winter, he tells me that he doesn’t want to give the report to me.
But then it puzzled me. I asked, “But why?”
The doctor said, “You’ll get to know….get an elder family member with you please.”
I tried to explain to him that everybody had left for my brother’s engagement, but that stupid doctor wouldn’t listen.

I began to think about the elders I knew, who could help me with this problem I was stuck in.
Only one name came to my mind.
Karan bhai.
He was my elder brother’s best friend. Oh my god.
I had to hurry, else he too would be off to Okhla and I wouldn’t know what to do.
I hurriedly gave him a call at his place.

Karan bhai stayed with his own brother and bhabhi. He had been with my brother in all his ups and downs of life. He was more than family to me. I had grown up just in front of him.
As I narrated the entire episode to Karan bhai over the telephone, he said he’d be there as soon as possible.
I heaved a sigh of relief. At last, I would attend the engagement.
Meanwhile, mom called me up. She was literally shrieking when I told her I was still at the doctor’s. Before I could tell her that he had refused to give me the report, she snapped at me, and told me to hurry up.
I made a face as I cut her call. Parents can be so unreasonable. As I waited for Karan bhai to come, I saw some TV in the doctor’s office.
Since it was still morning, and early morning at that, only news was being aired on the DD channels. This doctor was a bored human, I guessed; since he had no cable.

Karan bhai reached in no time, as our houses were just twenty minutes apart.
He hugged me and said, “Couldn’t you have got the check up done later? Bothering me for no reason at all. I have so much work to do at your brother’s wedding as it is.”

I whined like a baby as I complained about the doctor’s weird behaviour.
Karan bhai too greeted the doctor and said, “I’m his brother’s friend. Can I have the report please?”
The doctor was perhaps in the weirdest mood that day. He took Karan bhai to one corner, murmured something into his ear and then handed him the report.

As Karan bhai walked out of the office with me by his side, he was silent.
That’s when I guessed something was wrong…with my reports.
I asked him a hundred times, but he did not reply.
At last when I gave up, he said, “Lets go, I think we’re damn late. I hope they haven’t exchanged rings…”
This kind of made me forget everything, and we both rushed to Okhla on our bikes…for the engagement.


My mother reprimanded me again, and didn't want any reasons still, so I ignored her and enjoyed the festive mood.
My bhabhi was the most beautiful one I had ever seen…and she was equally fun to be with. I was so glad that now I would have a partner in crime at home, and mom and dad wouldn’t just be after me…after all, they were going to have a daughter-in-law to worry about.

The engagement ended on a beautiful note, as my brother hugged the life out of my bhabhi. They were such a cute couple….I wished I too would get a girl like that.

Meanwhile, I saw Karan bhai handing the reports to my brother….and I also saw my brother going pale.

This was enough. Why couldn’t people just tell me that I had some problem? I mean, what could it be…elders just get tense for no good reason. I could bet it was just some typhoid, or jaundice…or maybe in the worst scenario…chicken pox.
So? Big deal???



But I guess they knew better than me. A few days after that, my brother and Karan bhai took me to another doctor.
Karan bhai told me that it was their family doctor.
I nodded as I knew why they needed a family doctor and we didn't. Karan bhai’s brother had two lovely daughters Jiya and Parul.
Parul was around ten, and Jiya was not even eight I think. They were so cute, that categorizing them as kids and assuming that they were irritating would be unfair.
But anyway, they were kids, and needed a doctor.

Their family doctor was their very good family friend too, I discovered as she welcomed all of us with a warm smile. As I was told to wait outside, the ‘elders’ did some talking with her inside. By now I had given up on knowing about the reports…because I knew they were unnecessarily getting worried.

After some serious talk, we bade good bye to the beautiful doctor, and went to another hospital, which I guessed had been referred by the lady doctor.

I was told to give another blood test, like I’d done when I had fever. Even that day I had been wondering why they needed a blood test, but that doctor had told me they would need it to check for some viruses. I had simply nodded, as I didn't understand much.

This time I didn't ask questions. I simply gave my blood test without much speculation.


The blood test made Karan bhai and my brother literally white in the skin.
And I realized that it wasn’t actually mere typhoid or chicken pox.
It was something serious…and I wanted to know what….




I soon figured out….when I was admitted in the Cancer ward at AIIMS, Delhi.



Life after that wasn’t very good. Though I wasn’t required to study, there was a hell lot I went through.

I saw mom with watery eyes forever. And dad trying to be brave…but not being successful at all. And brother trying to be as casual as he could pretend to be. And Karan bhai being the joke cracker, which he really wasn’t.
Bone marrow replacements…chemotherapy….and I soon figured out that I was suffering from Blood Cancer…..and hey, it was a big deal….

Around two weeks later, I was getting impatient. The doctors weren’t leaving me alone even for a second. My whole body pained with those injections and treatments.
I used to often shout at them, “Just leave me alone….for god’s sake!”

But nobody wanted to listen. Everybody was bent on curing me from cancer…which I knew was incurable…and a terrible disease.

Karan bhai’s family came to meet me one day.
Parul and Jiya hopped around the place, and played the video game, the only thing I was allowed to do at the hospital.
They perhaps didn't realize the gravity of the situation….kids…
But aunty and uncle did.
As they sat by my chair, I told them “My whole body pains. And I’m bored of eating the same thing day and night…”
They nodded like they understood, even though everybody knew that they didn't….couldn’t …


Another week passed by, and it dawned upon me that I wouldn’t be fine after that…
It was cancer, and high time I realized that life had ditched me…



And I have realized.

I know I won’t be able to see my brother’s family.
I know I won’t be giving my boards.
I know that mom and dad do not cry ‘just like that’.

And so, I just want to make myself feel better.
I want to feel, one last time, that I’ve had a good life….
I want to know, one last time, that I was a good human being…


Because…


Because I’m dying….




P.S.: This account is non-fictional. It is perhaps my tribute to the only person I had ever considered as my elder brother…