Unfolded

Part I

A feeble step in the dingy lanes,
A scared look at the filth around me,
I was as nervous as a new born child,
That night – it was as scary as could be…

It was a search in vain – I knew,
But my last try to rebuild my past.
In these dark slums and dirty shacks,
Memories of my childhood would forever last.

The innocence of my goofy smile,
Had been lost in this hut I stood before,
The day my parents just never returned,
And the last time I saw that shapeless door.

Thirty years, and I decided to return,
Looking for a familiar face, thing, place…
The life I had lived wasn't gratifying enough,
My parents’ existence, I had to trace.

My past was better than the present
And I wanted it back at any cost,
I had to dig up lots of buried truths now,
No matter, if my identity would be lost…

It was enlightenment, salvation perhaps,
This was what life had decided for me,
My life, an unsolved mystery till today,
Would be revealed, after years – so many…


P.S: To be continued...
P.P.S : I'm sorry for my long absence from the blog world. I just got bored of life. Thankfully I'm back.

That unlikely father...

He played with me.
He tied my laces for me.
He helped me get over with my leg pains.
He told me stories at bed time.


My father was the best thing that could have ever happened to me.

Being a victim of a metropolitan city life, I expected parents who had full time jobs, and practically no time for their little kid. And here I was, a father beside me…always willing to answer my weirdest questions, at any hour in the night.
I was a lost, dreamy kid who got the wildest dreams in the whole universe. But of course, my father was always there, when I used to suddenly wake up at odd hours, and cry out to him. He was interested in knowing what had troubled me, and then I would blurt it out to him, about how a cow had threatened me to snatch away my food and force me to gulp down its dry bread crumbs in exchange.
It didn't really bother me how he reacted to my tantrums, but the fact that he used to bear with them all, was enough.


He used to buy me chips whenever I asked for them. And of course, our outings were incomplete without a snack or two…
Life seemed perfect with my father.

I felt proud when other sissy girls of my age cribbed about their snoring dads and their weird ways…MY dad wasn’t in the least like them…

Mom was there obviously, but that was different. With dad, it was always, all about me. What I like, what I love, who I like, who I adore.

I grew up, and stuff changed.

Dad was never the same again. Or let me put it the other way; WE were never the same again. My friends changed, my life changed, my priorities changed.

His presence in my life lessened, as the year went by.
Obviously his stories weren’t required anymore.
His games didn't really excite me.
I could overcome my leg pains on my own.
And I preferred sleeping alone, than listen to his bed time stories.

However, we still adored each other. He was THE most important part of my life. He was all that mattered to me.

And one day, he just vanished.

Schizophrenia, said the doctors.

And since they had practically no better way to sort out stuff, they tagged me as a mental patient.

The irony being that this wasn’t a figment of a child’s imagination.

Who I considered father all these years…existed…lived…breathed…

The only difference being, that he existed just for me.

Tags...and all the fun in them!!!

1. Last movie seen in a theatre:
Hmmm...i saw Jodhha Akbar, ansd what's more, twice. Man...I'm vella!

2. What book are you reading?
Does it mean you're insane if you don't read too many books??

3. Favourite board game:
I love scrabble, but no one plays with me :(
I like chess too...no one plays it with me :(
I love carrom, my uncle used to be my best opponent, then he got married :(
*Sigh*
I really need some good, considerate friends!!

4. Favourite magazine:
I like reading Filmfare...Bollywood entices me!! And of course, there's Shah Rukh...

5. Favourite smells:
In public interest, my close friends nicknamed me 'disabled' as they have a feeling that i dont see, smell or hear anything...

6. Favourite sound:
I'm least interested in finding out which sound I like!!

7. Worst feeling in the world :
Living life when you really don't want to...
I go through this terrible feeling every damn day... :(

8. What is the first thing you think of when you wake up?
Is it morning 'enough'? Is it necessary to get up and open my books?
Is my mother at home, and would be watching me study?
Trust me, science is catching up on me...

9. Favourite fast food place:
Ah...Pizza hut is THE best!

10. Future child’s name:
Two years ago, I was telling my sis, "If I don't end up with this guy, I'll name my kid Armaan."
Sheesh!!!
Now, Armaan's over and done with...and no more am I doing family planning...

11. Finish this statement, “If I had a lot of money I’d…” :
Buy death.

12. Do you drive fast?
All I do is roll my eyes when my mother drives at 20km/h, and I have to sit beside her, bored...

13. Do you sleep with a stuffed animal? :-0
Does holding on to a pillow or bedsheet or whatever/whoever count?

14. Do you eat the stems on broccoli?
I really don't know. I never really bothered to inspect the vegetable so closely.
I'll ask my mum if she cooks broccoli 'with stems' right away.

15. Storms - Cool or Scary?
Cool. Atleast something adventurous must happen in life dammit...
A big earthquake, a tsunami, a hijack....something!!!

16. If you could dye your hair any colour, what would be your choice?
I'd exchange for a 'hair quality exchange' machine!!!! My hair is evevn worse than a....than hay, I guess!
Sorry, I had no better example in mind :

17. Name all the different cities/towns you have lived in:
Delhi.
Man, my life is BORING in every way!

18. Favourite sports to watch:
You know what? I've been trying to understand cricket and soccer, and havent yet succeded. But with cricket, you know it's a happy thing when the ball crosses the boundary....
Soccer is hopeless...wait, I'm hopeless at soccer...

19. One nice thing about the person who sent this to you:
Kika - Hmmm, I haven't really had the chance totalk to her too much...But i knew her some time ago, she's a sweet girl...with her reservations.

20. What’s under your bed?
The worst FIITJEE papers I never want to solve, my pair of slippers, my bottle, then my shoes..And what's the nailcutter doing here? I've been looking for it all over...

21. Would you like to be born as yourself again?
Hell no!!!! I'd rather not be born then...

22. Morning person or night owl?
Night owl, when it comes to watching movies, awards shows, going online etc etc.
And I prefer to hibernate if it's studies...

23. Over easy or sunny side up?
Over easy, I guess...

24. Favourite place to relax:
Saumya, my friend's house is the best. Her mother loves attending to me, and my 'views' on every damn thing...

25. Favourite ice cream flavour:
I don't like ice-cream too much. I spill it every where, you see...and then it's a real mess. But if it's a must, I like Cornetto - lesser chances of spilling it...

26. You pass this tag to –
Radhika, Vasudha, Bharat, Disha, Akanksha, Shailja

27. Among people you tag, who do you think is going to respond the fastest?
Vasudha has stopped doing tags. So, cross out.
Bharat did one just recently, so he might not want to do another one right away. Cross out.
Disha will do it LATE. Plus, she's in USA. Cross out.
Shailja,lesser chances of it. Cross out.

My only hopes are with Radhika and Akanksha...
I just hope they have no other post in mind :P

***************************************************

Over? Sigh, I love answering random questions!!

Sinful Soulmates

I pushed her down my balcony
A pang of guilt in my throat.
She, I know not, why turned enemy,
When, on each other, we used to dote.
I had a bitter mind for sure,
Or maybe, our bond went sour,
The past few months had passed away
In cat fights, arguments, wars.
We blamed each other for the lives we led,
I knew-she had spoiled my life.
She said her life was a complete disaster,
And I was the reason for her strife.
It was amusing, how God had played,
With me, her and us.
The irony of our lives, being...
We had nothing more than each other, left.
Too bad then, that I had to take a stand,
Too bad then, that i wanted a life without her...
Too bad then, that i wasn't ready to listen
But why, we were sisters.
Soul mates, supposedly.
But unfortunate, that she cheated on me..
And of course, the money of the bank robbery
Alas! Only she knew where it was!

P.S: It's the first time...poetry on my blog...and that too in blank verse. If you do not approve of it (of which I'm certain), please let me know. This will not be repeated ever again.

Anything for you, sir...

When he walked into the class that day, his face seemed dull and he lacked his usual bright aura. I was perhaps the only one to notice it because the other students didn't bother to.
They had it straight in their head. He was a teacher. Them, students.
As I shrugged my shoulders at the thought, I looked at him intensely. Something was wrong.

I knew my sir more than anyone in the class did. And his lectures were more than just knowledge for me. They felt divine. If at all anything felt good about books and studies, it was his presence.
He was my favorite teacher, no doubt. Anyway, there were better things to think about…as he was more than that to me.
As he bragged on about resonance in benzene, I noticed he was sweating profusely. He hurriedly wiped it all off his face, and looked at me apprehensively.
Something was disturbing him terribly. And this was troubling me terribly.


I thought of the extra class I had arranged with him last week. It was just me and him. He taught, I listened. I talked, he listened. That day, I had poured out all my life’s conflicts in front of him. He seemed interested. He was perhaps the confidante for whom I had longed all this while.
He was more than a teacher. This much was clear.

But I didn't want to know any better.

Ignorance is bliss, they say.

When he looked at me again that day, his moist eyes gave away. He wanted to tell me something. I tried hard to read through, but sadly couldn’t.
This disturbed me, and so I decided to divert my attention to atoms and molecules.
Chemistry…was what he taught. And today, nothing seemed as interesting as it did.

I pretended to be deeply engrossed in my notebook as he gave the class a sum and walked round the class.

He was old, I reckoned. He was married, I knew. And he wasn’t exactly good looking either, I admitted. Yet, something drew me to him. What -- was a big question better left unanswered.

He stopped at my table, where I sat, lost in these thoughts.

No, I won't look up, I decided.

I don’t know why I did this. But I didn't want to look into those eyes, whose language I couldn’t decipher.

Anyway, I mechanically repeated to myself that he was a teacher, and I- just his student.
It didn't help. Damn.

An hour passed away, ad he still continued to talk about benzene and phenol and naphthalene. Some time later, he glanced at his watch. A Rolex, I recalled, as I had noticed during that memorable extra class.
He then glanced at me.
In an attempt to ignore him, I too glanced at my watch, and realized that the class was almost over.
He put back the chalk on the table, looked at the class and said:
“This will be my last class with you. I am getting transferred immediately to the other branch. Good luck, may god be with you in all you do.”

My heart skipped a beat as he looked at me for a nanosecond and then walked away.

Those eyes…I wish I had deciphered.



Drat. This couldn’t be love.

When tagged, I'm at my best!!

Disha tagged me, and I'm all smiles about it.
Here I am, presenting my self-obsessed side...(oh! how I love to answer questions!!)

Instructions: Remove ONE question from below, and add in your personal question, make it a total of 20 questions, then tag 8 people in your list, list them out at the end of this post. Notify them in their chat box that he/she has been tagged. Whoever does the tag will have blessings from all.
1. What have you realised recently?
That life isn't really worth living, but isn't worth dying too.
2. Have you given your first kiss away?
Ahem. I prefer to keep it under cover.
3. If you were to be stranded on a deserted island, who are the 11 blog buddies you would take?
I dont waste time thinking about such weird stuff.
4. Where is the place that you want to go the most?
Melbourne, Australia. Gawd, I love the things I know about it...
5. If you can have 1 dream to come true, what would it be?
My wishes are too important to fit into one wish...sigh!
6. Do you believe in seeing a rainbow after the rain?
I get all excited about it, but have never ever seen it :(
7. What are you afraid to lose the most now?
My blog, man, I'm addicted!
8. If you win $1 million, what would you do?
Naah, I wouldn't go mad, trust me...
9. If you meet someone that you love, would you confess to him/her?I'll wait for him to say it.
I hate taking the first step :/
10.List out 3 good points of the person who tagged you.
Alright, here goes Dish:
a. She writes stuff I always enjoy reading :D
b. She is a wonderful person with that little bit of mystery about her.
c. She's an amazing friend to have. Mwah!
(I can be so nice sometimes...wonder why people say I'm arogant, proud, selfish....)
11. What are the requirements that you wish from your other half?
I have a list already, so I neednt think AT ALL:
a. He must be an awesome cook, who would cook for me everyday by will.
b.He must LOVE kids, as I hate them. (uh..yeah)
c. He must freak out when I cry in front of him, but console me nevertheless. (I'd love the humor the scene would create...LOL)
d. He should be towards the metrosexual side. (Okay, already many people tease me, now you don't start...)
e. He must love me just as much as he loves himself.
f. He must be successful, and must appreciate writing.
g. He must be good looking, and please, a helluva cleanliness freak like me...

I'm so nice to just have these requirements, right?

12. Which type of person do you hate the most?
If I start, this blog would end up being nothing but the answer to this one. So, no comments.
13. What is the one thing you cannot live without?
Air? *confused with the question* And if you meant metaphorically, then I'm still confused...
14. If you have faults, would you rather the people around you point out to you or would you rather they keep quiet?
Surely, I'd like themto come up with it rather than go on and bitch about it. I HATE backbiters.
15. What do you think is the most important thing in your life?
Happiness, and all the things that come with it. ;)
16. Are you a shopaholic or not?
Hell NO!! I loathe the idea of it like anything. I cant standwalkingten miles for silly things like shoes or dressed or books or stuff.
17. Find a word to describe the person who tagged you.
Enigmatic.
(Dish, this word holds a very beautiful part of my life to it. Feel obliged...alright, I was kidding!)
18. If you have a chance. Which part of your character you would like to change?
Nothing. I am happy with what I am. And I dont care if 'people' are not. :
19. The first time you felt you were in love?
Uh...happened around 9th...what a disaster it turned out to be!!
20. Would you rather have love but no money or money but no love?
Love, but no money.
(Let me clear out, I won't probably fall for a guy who hasn't a bank balance, in case you're thinking otherwise...)
******************************************************

And I tag:
Vasudha
Radhika
Akanksha
Prerna
Aanchal
Nik
Shailja
Pallavi

P.S:Lord, why do I always feel sad when tags come to an end...

That Cokehead Lost...

When I woke up that morning, my head felt heavy. I wasn’t exactly feeling all well. Infact, I just wasn’t well. My head felt dizzy, I had a running nose. I put together all the strength that I had, to get up and look around. I was on the beach. I tried to recall how I reached there, but after three lines of coke that I had snorted last evening, I obviously couldn’t remember. I tried to convince myself that I must have come here myself last night. I had no other choice, anyway.
As I stood there, staring at the violent waves, my life flashed in front of my eyes like a film roll. And I began to reminisce.

I knew my life wouldn’t be rosy the day I left my home, and along with that, a cozy life. But never in my wildest dreams had I imagined that it could get so rocky.
My parents had seemed like tyrants to me. They had a problem with everything that I did. And when, one fine day I realized that the life they wanted me to live wasn’t exactly the one I wanted to, I stomped out of the house. Anyway, they had expressed their disgust of the fact that I was their daughter, the day they found out I smoke and drank. I walked out, swearing under my breath to never return.

As I embarked upon a new life, all I carried along with me, was a bag in which I’d stuffed a few clothes and my certificates which proved my education. I had to carve a life out of these, and I knew there wasn’t any other way.
I got a job at a call centre. They paid me enough to fill my belly, but not enough to buy a house. I stayed at a pal’s place for a month or so, after which she blatantly refused to give me refuge. That was the first time I felt I ad done a huge mistake by walking out. I felt scared as I walked out of my friend’s house. I was completely broken.
I could see that I had no purpose in life. And that troubled me.
I spent the night under a street light. Homeless, helpless, alone…
I went to a bar the next day. That’s where I met a peddler, who offered to sell drugs to me. I refused, and walked away.
But the next time I went to that bar, and was trying to find peace in my vodka, I met him again. It was pure coincidence, and this time, I couldn’t refuse.
I found a purpose to live – cocaine.
The peddler would supply me cocaine, and I would pay him all my salary for it.
Cocaine was tremendously hallucinating, and I began to find peace in it. Each shot of it left me so lost, so high…
It was a healer, it took me away from all the troubles of the world.

I still lived on the roads, but now, I cared less.
I never felt anything was going wrong with me, till one day, my nose began to bleed. It pained severely. I tried to convince myself that it couldn’t be because of drugs. I couldn’t.
I knew it was cocaine.
But I never went to a doctor. I was scared. And there wasn’t anyone to force me anyway.
Life moved on.
My meetings with the peddler increased. I now snorted almost eighteen lines of coke everyday, after which I passed out.
One such night, I fainted. I hadn’t passed out, I had fainted with the pain I my nose, from where blood oozed out like anything.


When I opened my eyes next, I saw myself in a room which had been mine some time ago. Beside me, I saw my parents, who wept like anything. I cried. And I hugged them as tightly as I could. I didn't want to leave them. I just wanted to come back.
I was glad they agreed with me.

I had learnt my lesson.

Perhaps.

Perhaps not.

Cocaine never went out of my mind. Life seemed incomplete without it. I hadn’t any will power to stop myself, so I feigned evening walks and went in search of my peddler.

I found him, and with him, I found cocaine.

My parents found out soon. Their faces told me they had given up all hope. They seemed shattered. And I couldn’t stand it.
I decided to leave once again. It was just my way of telling them to forget that they had a daughter. This time, they didn't stop me.

I knew I was ruining my life, as I met the peddler once again and snorted three lines of coke.
But somewhere deep down, I just wasn’t bothered. Cocaine was now my life. It was a different point that it was poison, too.

That was yesterday. As I watched the waves come and go, I realized how I had ruined my life to an extent after which I couldn’t step back.
And I was sad to admit, that I wasn’t happy with it.

I knew what I had to do today…let the waves take me away. For the first time after so long, I felt like being led by someone…

I needed a better high than what cocaine gave me, and what could be better than death.


Not much was left of life now…
Not much of life was left now…